Help Her Out

My Story

“Just leave”

“I don't know why you put up with that”

“I don't want to hear about it anymore”

“He's going to kill you”

These are just a few of the things that were said to me by friends, family, even my GP. And still I didn't leave. The friends were true to their word, they didn't want to hear about it anymore. So I didn't tell them. If that's how they reacted to the tiny bit I did tell them, imagine if they knew the full story.

And it suited me too. The less they knew, the less likely it was that he killed them too.

Because by then I knew he was going to kill me. The day I left was the day I wasn't supposed to wake up.

For 20 months I'd been beaten, drugged, raped by multiple men and filmed. I only knew one man and I wouldn't describe us as having a relationship. I was terrified of him from the first time I met him. But after a failed attempt to leave only three weeks later, it got harder and harder and more dangerous to escape. I was either drugged or withdrawing the entire time. I went from a size 14 to a 6 and didn't even notice. He tracked and cloned my phone, had placed recording devices in my house. By the end I was convinced I needed sectioning and even tried to beg hospital staff to do so. They said I wasn't mad, they'd looked at my phone and said it was real. I would rather have been declared insane.

I have no recollection of the rapes. The injuries I sustained gave me enough idea of how barbaric their behaviour was. I do not know who they are, nor how many. I didn't know exactly what was happening but I knew I was in danger. Yet my best friends, people I respected, even my doctor couldn't get through to me.

There has to be a way to get through to someone in my position. From 2024 to 2025 the lives of 54 women were taken by a partner or ex partner and that's the lowest figure in 15 years. I don't need to say that's too many. One is too many.

I don't claim to have all - or any - of the answers, but I'm desperately hoping that together we can find a way to get through to someone who is literally too scared to help herself.

(I know men are victims too but while the vast majority are women I'll be using she/her throughout. Don't let that put you off. All are welcome here.)

I am desperately trying to think what words I would have heard. I remember my son saying, “you aren't you anymore”. It was said in anger and though at the time I didn't understand what he meant or why he said it, it did stay with me.

I wonder if we should speak directly to the woman, not about her situation but about her. Simply starting with “are you ok?”. I remember a doctor saying to me, “you seem scared”, and desperately wishing she'd ask me more.

If you know the person well you could gently comment on any changes you have noticed in her. Appearance, demeanour, behaviour. Don't push, it's essential you keep communication open and trust intact. Maybe a comment on his behaviour, but tread carefully here. I would have clammed up immediately if anything too direct was said.

Perhaps I would have responded to someone I didn't know so well. Someone simply saying, “I've been where you are.”

I can't say life has always been easy since I got out but I can say I'm still here.

I want every woman to be able to say that.

Lottie

Why Leaving Feels So Difficult

These are the common reasons and techniques used to keep you where you are.

Financial dependence

Controlling access to money or preventing work removes options and makes leaving seem impossible.

Fear of escalation

Leaving can trigger increased violence or threats; fear for your safety or children’s safety is a powerful deterrent.

Practical barriers

Lack of housing, childcare, income, transport or legal knowledge creates real obstacles.

Shame and self-blame

Abusers shift responsibility; internalised guilt makes you feel at fault and hesitant to seek help.

Trauma bonding

Repeated cycles of abuse followed by kindness or apologies create intense emotional attachment — the relationship feels familiar and hard to give up.

Eroded self-trust (gaslighting)

When someone constantly denies or rewrites reality, you begin to doubt your memory and judgment, so making decisions feels frightening.

Gaslighting makes you question your memories and instincts, so you trust the abuser’s version of events.

Coercive control

Coercive control removes freedom gradually (money, social contact, documents), so even planning behind the abuser’s back is risky and complicated. Together they reduce confidence, create dependence, and increase the perceived cost of leaving.

Normalising abuse

Over time, abusive behaviour can feel “normal,” reducing the urgency to act.

Isolation

Abusers cut off contacts and activities, leaving few people to turn to and making practical escape harder.

Legal and custody worries

Fears about losing children, being homeless, or being disbelieved by authorities add stress.

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It's understandable to be afraid, but you are not alone. Right now you can't imagine how different life can be, here’s where you have to trust. Each one of the above situations can be overcome. And remember, getting out doesn't have to be perfect, today taking just one step towards safety is good enough.