Help Her Out

Financial dependence

Controlling access to money or preventing work removes options and makes leaving seem impossible.

Fear of escalation

Leaving can trigger increased violence or threats; fear for your safety or children’s safety is a powerful deterrent.

Practical barriers

Lack of housing, childcare, income, transport or legal knowledge creates real obstacles.

Shame and self-blame

Abusers shift responsibility; internalised guilt makes you feel at fault and hesitant to seek help.

Trauma bonding

Repeated cycles of abuse followed by kindness or apologies create intense emotional attachment — the relationship feels familiar and hard to give up.

Eroded self-trust (gaslighting)

When someone constantly denies or rewrites reality, you begin to doubt your memory and judgment, so making decisions feels frightening.

Gaslighting makes you question your memories and instincts, so you trust the abuser’s version of events.

Coercive control

Coercive control removes freedom gradually (money, social contact, documents), so even planning behind the abuser’s back is risky and complicated. Together they reduce confidence, create dependence, and increase the perceived cost of leaving.

Normalising abuse

Over time, abusive behaviour can feel “normal,” reducing the urgency to act.

Isolation

Abusers cut off contacts and activities, leaving few people to turn to and making practical escape harder.

Legal and custody worries

Fears about losing children, being homeless, or being disbelieved by authorities add stress.

1. If you’re in immediate danger

Call 999 now. Get to a safe room or leave if you can.

If not an emergency, contact your local police on 101.

2. Quick emergency bag (small and easy)

ID (passport/driving licence), bank card, some cash, phone + charger, keys, any meds, children’s essentials, a change of clothes.

Keep copies of important documents in a safe online folder or with a trusted person.

3. Safety moves at home

Know two exits from each room.

void rooms with locks you can’t open (e.g., bathrooms).

Tell a neighbour or friend a code word to signal you need help.

4. When you speak to someone for support

Use a safe device the abuser can’t access.

Ask for a Domestic Abuse referral when contacting police or services.

Consider an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Adviser) for high-risk planning.

5. Keeping evidence

Save photos, messages, call logs and medical notes.

Date entries in a private journal. Store backups off-device.

6. Technology safety

Turn off location sharing and regular backups.

Change passwords from a safe device and enable two-factor authentication.

If worried about device monitoring, use a phone at a public library or friend’s phone.

Only use social media in an emergency and not at all in the immediate aftermath of leaving.

7. Children & dependants

Pack their essentials and keep comforting items.

Avoid discussing plans where the abuser might overhear.

Record any abuse the children witness; this can help protect them.

8. After leaving

Change locks and alarm codes.

Tell trusted neighbours and employer if needed.

Avoid social media.

Seek legal advice about non-molestation/occupation orders and child arrangements.

9. Self-care

Keep one trusted contact for daily check-ins.

Seek counselling or peer support when you’re ready. Small routines (sleep, food, short walks) help.

10. Self-talk

you have made the most difficult step, nothing else is more important now than your well being and you cannot do this alone. It is usual to have doubts, to feel guilty or uncertain. Speak with people who support you in how brave you have been and let someone know how vulnerable you may still feel. Looking after you includes avoiding the person you have left which may not be easy. If you do have contact with them don’t feel embarrassed or as if you have let anyone down, but do make sure someone knows. You can’t expect feelings and behaviours to change over night. Give yourself time and sympathy as you would a friend.